Wednesday, October 8, 2008

We'll always have Paris (?)

America has apparently been much maligned lately because our little credit meltdown has accidentally destroyed the economy of the entire world. Rather than defend America and its actions, I figured it would be much easier to defame Europe to prove that they deserve what they are getting. Don't think about it. It makes sense.

This wedding took place in a mall in Magdeburg. That's right, a mall. This is a continent full of beautiful, needlessly ornate churches that nobody is using for any other reason and you chose to get married in a mall? What were you even doing getting married in the first place? Europeans are just supposed to co-habitate, spurning the religious institution of marriage.

That's a potato with a condom on it. The writing on the poster warns Germans to buy condoms before they go on their vacations because AIDS is very prevalent all over the world and the quality of condoms might be lower outside of Europe. Although I can support the message of this poster, I'm pretty sure that I disapprove of putting condoms on potatoes for any reason.

Since when did the Europeans start having children again? They have obviously started copying us, they've started having children like we do, they invested in cdos, and before they knew it, their economy was tanking, NYSE-style.

Don't the Europeans know that the basis of any healthy economy is large automobiles? This offering from Amsterdam could easily fit into the trunk of an Escalade.

There are many sins hidden in this picture. First, who decided that this vending machine would look good in fuscia? Second, this vending machine sells Warcraft and Magic: the Gathering trading cards. And last, look how many of their packs are sold out. Some of the selections that have been snatched up cost upwards of 10 euros a pack. American sub-prime mortgage defaults? I think the blame for your financial ruin lies sqaurely with Wizards of the Coast.

While our aging women shop at Forever 21 to regain their youth through over-priced, chintzy fashion, the Germans have decided to one up us, keeping themselves 3 years younger looking. Of course the lack of a drinking age means that the Germans can get away with convincing their customers to look younger; Americans wouldn't want to have to choose between looking young and being able to drink alcohol. You win this round, Germany.


Petra said...

Don't be too quick to judge: that car with the bumper sticker probably belongs to Arabs.

Katherine said...

1. Um, I admit I once purchased overpriced cards from a (purple, I believe) vending machine on a train platform. In my defense, they were just face cards, not Magic: the Gathering. Also, I was very bored.

2. I don't think I ever saw the condom on a potato, but I saw an abundance of bananas, cucumbers, and other more overtly phallic items. I thought about collecting pictures of them. Way cooler than Magic: the Gathering cards.

3. Didn't I ever tell you I wanted to get married in a mall? I can't believe someone else thought of it first.

direfloyd said...

I shuddered when I thought how possibly you could contemplate the use a potato in that advertisement... and what that implied of male Germans...

Good post!!! A mall... LOL!

ke said...

Iron Maiden. In Stockholm.